I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
