I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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