If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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