she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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