I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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