I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
