my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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