Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
