I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
