someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
