I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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