Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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