Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
