I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
