Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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