My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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