We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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