I wish I could teleport
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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