i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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