My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize