My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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