Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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