God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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