His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You need a sexual gate keeper
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
