During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
