hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
there is glitter all over my balls
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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