I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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