Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
