It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
