the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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