How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
