Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
