Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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