I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
