What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
