I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
