Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
