yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
