I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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