I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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