In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
why do cheetos always look like penises
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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