Got a toothbrush?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
