we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
