Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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