The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
