Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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