you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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