Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
