There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
