8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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