South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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