I think my vagina is haunted
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
