blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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