Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
