I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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