Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
