dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
