Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
