I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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