Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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