Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
