1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
