i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
