I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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