Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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