U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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