it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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