peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
