I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
