Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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