So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
