I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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