Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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